- I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Ungrateful bleeders! All I said was: 'Hurry up for Christ's sake! Some of us have got homes to go to!'
- Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please.'
She replied, 'You're having yesterday's left-over soup you fat bastard; I was talking to the cat!'
- Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless my soul, look at you having a little go!
- Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy; he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.
- In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry Ok?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off.'
- I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
- Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert £2 and push knob in.'
- Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
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