“Mum, can I eat that cake in the fridge?”
“Of course you can darling, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in the dining room?”
To the person who stole my place in the queue …. I’m after you.
As a grown adult, I feel uncomfortable owning up to the fact that I still play with my train-set, so I hide it under my duvet. No one will find it now I've covered my tracks.
Did you know that cannibals will NOT eat clowns because they taste funny?
I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house. He refused.
I asked the shop assistant if I could try on a dress in the window. She told me it would be better to try it on in the dressing room.
I crossed a homing pigeon with a magpie. I've now got a house full of stolen jewellery.
I decorated my living room with some desks and a blackboard. It looks really classy.
I looked up at Orion's Belt, and thought: 'That's a huge waist of space'.
Just been to the doctor's and the doctor said: "I've got bad news and very bad news: which do you want first?"
I said: "The bad news."
He said: "Well, you've got 24 hrs to live."
"What could be worse than that," I asked.
He replied: "We tried to call you yesterday."
I was disappointed that I only got a rucksack for my birthday, but I’ve put it behind me now.
I went house-hunting this morning. I shot two bungalows and a semi detached ....…
It's a lovely crisp morning: I've had three packets already!
I've just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.
Just saw a farmer put numbers on all the newly born lambs. Apparently they're baa codes.
Last night I made a lamb curry ... but apparently they prefer grass.
London’s largest post office has been renamed in honor of His Majesty King Charles III. It will now be referred to as the C3PO.
Loud crash of breaking glass from kitchen; husband calls to wife in lounge:
"Honey - I've just broken a large glass bowl. "
Wife: "I'll come with a broom."
Husband: "No need to come by broom: it's only next door ....."
My friend said she didn't understand cloning. I told her that makes two of us.
My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it - so I bought her a candle.
My wife said she wanted peace and quiet while she cooks the Sunday dinner, so I've taken the batteries out the smoke alarm.
Notice in a store: “Would customers please note we have a new person in our complaints department. Her name is Helen Waitt. So if you have a complaint you can go to Helen Waitt.”
Our dog is permanently sad and will only eat a particular exotic fruit. She's a melon collie.
Retrospectively, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online. Heinz site's a wonderful thing.
Saw a book called “How to solve 50% of Your Problems.” So I bought two!
So I said to the Librarian: “Do you have Great Expectations?"
She said: "Well, I did once, but ended up working in a library."
So I went to the doctor's this morning and told him that every time I cough, I hear words like 'knight', 'bishop', 'pawn' and 'queen'. He said I had a chess infection.
Spiders: possibly the only web designers happy to find a bug in their design.
The pie-baking competition has been delayed due to a false tart.
This horse practically sleeps the whole day and at sunset becomes full of energy. I have to get up in the middle of the night and feed it and just before sun-up I have to brush it before it lays down. Yeah, this horse is a real nightmare.
UAE don't have a cricket team but Abu Dhabi do.
When I first heard Julie Andrews sing: "Doh, Re, Mi ...." I thought: "She’ll go far ....."
When I told my parents I was interested in being a stand up comic they weren't very supportive.
"Everyone is going to laugh at you," they said. Well, they're not laughing now ....
When my wife asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
When I was younger I lived in a houseboat for a while and I started seeing the girl next door, but we eventually drifted apart .....
When I started out as a tailor it was hard going, but now I am making great strides.
I queued up for ages in the Vatican to see the Pope. The man before me was blind. The Pope blessed his eyes and the man said: "Wow, I can see again!"
I asked him if he could do something about my hearing. He put his hands on my ears and blessed me.
I said: "Well, I guess I'll see if that worked next week in the magistrates court."
I’ve written a very short song called ‘Sheep’. It consists of just three bars.
My dad has a brother who has a different father to him. My brother Simon is starting a band with him. They are calling themselves Simon and Halfuncle .....
The Spiritualist healing session was a total bore: even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out .....
Just bought a lovely piece of garden furniture - the guy said the wood would need treating so I took it to the park.
I went to see the local Doc. He took one look as I entered the surgery and said: "I can see you have an iron deficiency."
"Wow," I replied. "How did you know so fast?"
"Your shirt is creased to Hell," he replied ......
My wife told me I had the body of an ancient God.
Me: "You mean, like Aphrodite, the God of Love?"
She: "I was thinking more of Buddha ....."
It’s interesting how the UK and the US use a different word for the same item.
For example, what British people call a “lift" the Yanks call an "elevator".
I suppose it's just a matter of how we were raised.
Personally, I hate lifts and take steps to avoid them ......
The Spoonerism Society is looking for someone to arrange this year's Manual Eating.
A friend of mine always refused to use anyone else's laptop, ipad or smartphone. So in the end we left him to his own devices.
To the person who took my trainers and hi-vis jacket: you can run but you can't hide.
Eighteen years ago during an argument my husband called me an elephant. I've never forgotten it
Don't you hate it when someone tries to sound clever, but they use a word that's totally out of contest with the sentence?
Lollipop ladies make me cross!
I called my local Sealife Centre today. They told me my call may be used for training porpoises.
50 rolls of turf stolen from outside my house last week; I’m still looking forlorn.
Lance isn't a common name these days but back in medieval times people used Lance a lot.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
A genie granted me one wish, I said I just want to be happy. Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
A friend of mine always refused to use anyone else's laptop, ipad or smartphone. So in the end we left him to his own devices.
An over-educated posh boy went on to a building-site looking for a holiday job. The foreman tried to put him off, but he was very insistent. So in the end the foreman said:
"Ok, you can have a job if you can pass this little test - what’s the difference between a joist and a girder?"
The posh boy looked very nervous for a moment, then he had a flash of inspiration. "Oh, I know the answer to that," he said: "Joyce wrote 'Ulysses' and Goethe wrote 'Faust'!"
Pencils could be made with erasers at each end, but what would be the point?
I have been offered 8 legs of venison for £20. Is that too dear?
Five ants rented an apartment with another five. Now they’re tenants.
There was this ant so out of step with all the rest; never did what it was supposed to: a complete deviant.
People keep congratulating me for giving up alcohol on January 1st. I'm not convinced it's that big a deal to be honest; it's only one day a year.
Yesterday we played the 2nd leg of a football match on a pitch surfaced with compacted rubble and broken bricks. We won 5-4 on aggregate.
The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar; it was tense.
My grandad only ever had one goal in his life, which isn't very good for a centre forward.
When Darwin first discovered the theory of evolution, he shouted: "Well, I'll be a monkey's Uncle!"
Driving to the airport today when I saw this sign: "Airport left", so I turned and went home. I wonder where it went?
I started dating a zookeeper, but he turned out to be a cheetah.
They SOOOOO annoy me, those people who claim to know everything about Mozart when they haven't even seen any of his paintings ...
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who actually do.
I went for an interview for a Blacksmith's job , and they asked me if I'd ever shooed a horse, I said: "No, but I once told a donkey to sod off. Will that do?"
Every time I go for a walk there's a big bird with long legs following me. Think I'm being storked.
Thought I’d treat myself today, so I bought a first-aid kit!
My son won a 10m swimming badge yesterday. We had to hire a van to get it home.
My daughter just asked me: "Dad what's an acorn?"
I said: "Well in a nutshell, it's an oak tree."
They are finally making "Fly Fishing" by J.R. Hartley into a movie. The cast is brilliant .....
Apparently, acupuncture is good for everything except pins & needles!
I once met a man with a wooden leg named Timothy. His other leg was named Robert.
Restaurant toilets are really really dangerous. So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished without trace ......
As I approached the house a man opened the door in his dressing-gown; I thought, "That's a funny place for a door."
Looking for some help. Does anyone know a way I can easily give up eating for a while? I need a fast answer.
Man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
Policeman informs family: "There's no easy way to say this ......."
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can't pronounce it.
Q) What do you call a magician who has lost his magic? A) Ian .....
"Dad, what does 'ignoramus' mean?"    -    "I've no idea son: probably some type of dinosaur."
My mate is getting married for the second time. As Best Man, is it OK for me to say: "Welcome back, everyone!"
Paddy: "Skydiving is a very down to earth hobby."
Seamus: "Nah - Skydiving is for dropouts ....."
Jock didn't go skydiving with his Missus as he was afraid of falling out with her .....
After watching "Star Trek" for many years I still don’t know who Captain Slog is.
My wife had gone missing and the police came round two weeks later to tell me to prepare for the worst, so I went to get all her stuff back from the charity shop.
First my wife said she'd lost her lipstick, then it was her mascara and now she's looking for her blusher. I wish she'd mind her makeup.
Lately I’ve been obsessed with using the trap door at my local theatre. The psychologist says it’s just a stage I’m going through.
War films about German U-boats are always broadcast with sub-titles.
I only ever drink alcohol on two occasions: when it's my birthday and when it's not my birthday.
A Yorkshire man took his cat to the vet and said: "Can tha have a look at me cat, it's not reyt good."
The vet said: "Certainly Sir, is it a tom?"
He replied: "No, it's artside int car."
Sign on side of van: "William the Concreter: I specialise in laying drives."
I told my G.P. that I had broken my arm in 5 places. He advised me to avoid those places.
I also told him that I usually had a headache when I woke up in the morning. He advised me to wake up in the afternoon instead.
I used to be a bookworm, but then I discovered books on tape. Now I'm a tapeworm.
A new report says that if women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal - especially if you mention it to them!
One of my greatest regrets in life is that I never knew my father as a child. Of course, that's hardly surprising since he was in his early twenties by the time I was born...