Teacher: "You boy, what's your name?"
Boy: "Mickey Jones".
Teacher: "We'll call you Jones here; we don't use first names!"
Boy: "My dad won't like that; he takes offence if people take the Mickey out of my name."
We bought a water bed, but it didn’t end well: we drifted apart.
My mum just found out that I've replaced her bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
3 times I’ve jilted brides at the altar. I’ve had more than my fair share of near missus.
Every morning I jog around the block 25 times. Then I pick up the block and put it back in my son's toy-chest.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said: "How about walking through the room naked?"
I’ve just been offered a promotion to my company’s head office in Seoul. It’s daunting, but it should be a good Korea move.
Sting has released a new range of sensual oils and lotions. He's called the first one: "Massage In A Bottle"
The nudist colony is in the middle of no wear.
Just started reading a book about swimming the channel by Francis Near.
Due to a typo, I seem to have sent my Christmas wish-list to Satan.
A guy at the pub said: “I bet you can’t even name a single Qatar player."
I replied: “Jimi Hendrix, just for starters ...”
When I was growing up the best piece of advice my dad gave me was that "You never get a second chance to make a good first impression."
That's why I've always gone with Schwarzenegger; it's easily recognisable and always a crowd-pleaser.
Many clouds have a server lining.
There's no change in my piggy-bank; it's still empty.
I was expecting a snake for my birthday but got a toad instead: a complete reptile dysfunction.
I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me - until I rode pasta!
Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas; the currant exchange rate is really good at the moment.
I said to the manager of Tescos: “I want to make a complaint: this vinegar has lumps in it." and he said: “Sir, they are pickled onions."
I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week: first time I've ever won a game of Scrabble!
I saw my neighbour crying and slumped over his lawnmower, so I asked him if he was alright.
"It's OK. I'm just going through a rough patch," he said.
For years I worked at a stables. For my loyalty, the owner as a gift gave me a horse, but I couldn't bring myself to look in its mouth.
Went to the RSPCA Headquarters yesterday, and I can't believe how tiny their offices are ... You couldn't swing a cat in there!
For sale: Dyson vacuum cleaner. No longer needed - just gathering dust.
My addiction to helter-skelters is spiralling out of control.
I wonder if acupuncture can be used to treat pins and needles?
Someone asked me today how I was going to spend Christmas. I replied: "On a credit card."
My friend stopped selling barometers: the pressure just got to him.
Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Bad news: I failed my Ancient History exam - I think the Greek mythology section was my Achilles elbow.
I went on Trip Advisor today, it said: "Avoid uneven paving stones."
My auntie died after falling into a vat of varnish at the manufacturers she worked for. It was a terrible way to go, but she had a lovely finish!!
The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.
I have renamed my son 'Lionel' because he is so messy.
Started dating a photographer - it's early days, but things are developing nicely - there's a real chemistry between us.
If you accidentally swallowed some Christmas decorations, would you get tinselitis?
First day of my levitation course yesterday, and I went straight to the top of the class!! I always had a feeling I would rise to the occasion ......
When she turned 40 she gave up delivering babies, bought a sports car and left town ..... this was clearly a midwife crisis.
Are Arab dairy-farmers called Milk Sheiks?
Since my girlfriend moved to Iceland she's been so cold and distant. I told her that Lidl pay better anyway .....
I turned a few heads when I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver recently ......
Two fish are in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"
Two parrots are on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"
I've written a script for an Agatha Christie/Death in Paradise crossover special. It's called "Poirots of the Caribbean"!
I was recently in hospital for an operation on my humerus. The doctor had me in stitches ........
My wife has been diagnosed with an iron deficiency, so, I've bought her a new one for Xmas.
I've got a job making plastic Draculas. There are only 2 of us on the production line, so, I have to make every second Count!!
It takes guts to be an organ donor …. which is why I only donate pianos .....
Great news! I've been nightied for services to the bedwear industry.
I had my luggage stolen, and the bastards only left the handle and wheels. I took them to the Police but they said they wouldn’t pursue it as I didn’t have much of a case ...…
What is Good King Wenceslas' favourite pizza? One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.
Of course, one of the Wild West's best known characters earned his name by helping so many cowboys secure mortgages:
The Loan Arranger.
English is difficult. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
The history of nuts and bolts is riveting.
I like to paint people in the nude: I just sit there with no clothes on.
If there's one thing I can't stand it's a unicycle.
In a perfect world the national language of Qatar would be Flemish.
My wife said she loves me because I’m simple and Stoic, but I’ve never even been to Stow.
I called my local Sealife Centre today. They told me my call may be used for training porpoises.
Well Steve has been sacked from his job at the office after his colleagues realized he had been inputting data wrongly for the last 25 years. This truly marks the end of an error.
Amazingly, some ancient sun cream has been discovered by archeologists dating back to the Bronze Age, but I never knew there were archaeologists that old!
The restaurant owner promised me a promotion 12 months ago, but I’m still waiting.
Apparently dragons were not as bad as they are portrayed: it was all a mythunderstanding.
I asked my wife what sort of olives she wanted me to buy. She just told me to get stuffed.
I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier today. I was very lucky to be just grazed when I could have been fleeced or even rammed.
The contractor who recently finished remodelling my kitchen has just been charged with counterfitting.
My archeology job failed so I went to study the pyramids. My career is now in ruins.
I haven't kept up my subscription to the Scrabble Club. Now they've started sending me threatening letters.
I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting today, but all the seats were taken.
So I went to the Royal Albert hall last night. There were loads of parents and babies there< found out it was last night of the prams.
I dropped a $20 note this morning and it took off up the road in the wind. I chased it a block or two but couldn't catch it.
Oh well, at least I had a good run for my money.
We moved to a posh town and I wanted to join the local golf club - but the fees!!!! I studied my budget and worked out that it was totally unfeesible ...
I didn't think these orthopaedic shoes would work - but I stand corrected.
Archeologists that have discovered the world's oldest tibia. So tonight they are going to have a little shin dig.
I just found a half frozen tiny bird as I walked home, so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival.
When I showed the wife, she told me how much she loved me for being so kind and sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a kiss & a cuddle as she was in a good mood !!
She said. "Please, not in front of the chilled wren."
I’ve been wracking my brains all day, trying to remember the SI units of frequency. I’ve been thinking about it so long now it hertz.
Sad to hear the inventor of the relay race has passed on.
I’ve lost my wife’s audiobook…. I’ll never hear the end of it!
Diner: "We'd like roast pelican, please."
Waiter: "Of course, Sir, but are you sure you afford the bill?"
Diner: "Probably not - better just bring us the rest of it then."
My Missus just called me at work and said she could't find her glasses, so I told her to use her contacts. She rang me back an hour later to say she had called everyone in her phone and none of them knew where they were either ...
In the Middle East, the person in charge of dairy processing, distribution and sales is the Milk Sheik.
My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning. It's the end of an airer .......
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. Cannoli do so much. Now he’s just a pizza history.
I’ve just been asked if there’s B&Q in Bangor. I said: "No, just a B."
Me and my mate sitting in a Café - waitress came over. "You can't eat your own sandwiches here!"
So we swapped.
What’s so scary about Friday the 13th? It’s not like I’m going to suddenly disap ....
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats: boy ant.
My neighbour knocked on the door and said:
"Is that your rubbish skip I keep seeing on the street?"
And I was like: "Jeez - can’t man show joy in his walk anymore?"
I was walking past my neighbour who fancies me and he said admiringly:
“That’s an attractive gait.”
I said: “Thanks. I’ve just had it painted."
I went to the doctor's and after he examined me he told me I was suffering from Hermes.
I said: "Do you mean herpes?"
He said: "No, you're a carrier."
The guy who developed the tennis format involving a man and a woman on each team has passed away. R.I.P. Mick Stubbles.
Due to a spelling error, some of America's most dangerous criminals are currently waiting at Heathrow.
There was a really ugly little man holding up traffic on the M25 yesterday. I found out later that it was the Dartford Troll Crossing.
Saw my local vicar yesterday running down the road with Lucifer, Beelzebub and Satan. He must have been exercising his demons.
Anaconda 5 opens in theaters next week, but I've been invited to a snake preview.
Thank you for explaining the word lato to me: it means a lot.
A flock of hungry terns descended on a cannabis farm yesterday. The papers later reported that no tern was left unstoned.
My grandad was a professional boxer well into his 70s. I asked him what was his secret. He said at the start of each round his manager would throw salt and pepper all over him. He was a truly seasoned veteran.
Why did someone name the planet "Earth" when it's 71% water?
My wife is always trying to put me down.That’s just one of the hazards of being married to a vet.