I went to a Fancy Dress party dressed as a Giraffe. I didn’t win a prize, but I still left with my head held high.
I can count the number of chainsaw accidents I have had on the fingers of someone else's hand.
I have learned from the mistakes made by people who have taken my advice.
Stayed at a B&B last night and as the landlady showed me my room, she asked if I had a good memory for faces. I said: "Yes."
She replied: "Good, because there's no mirror in the bathroom."
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered: "They're behind you …"
I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that if it crashes, it bounces. It's a Boing 747.
My teacher once got so angry that he pointed a cane at me and said: "At the end of this cane there's a complete idiot."
His mood did not improve when I replied: "Which end, Sir?"
After I was born I didn't speak to my parents for over 2 years.
Research has proven that if your parents didn’t have any children then you won’t either.
My family: "If you ever won the lottery would we find you generous?"
Me: "If I won the lottery you wouldn't find me at all."
Interviewer: "What's your worst flaw?"
Me: "I'm too honest."
Interviewer: "I wouldn't call that a flaw. For me, honesty is a really positive characteristic."
Me: "I couldn't care less what you think."
Some people can be so rude. I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy. He told me to get lost and go buy my own.
If you break down in an electric car you can still use the AA. However if it's a small electric car you have to use the AAA.
My son’s almost done building a humanoid robot for his engineering project.  He’s a bit short on time and still needs a few parts - can anyone lend a hand?
Someone tried to sell me a Satnav for £500. I told them to Get Lost.
If you look at the television it doesn't make you stupid - far from it. But then . . . if you switch it on, that's a completely different matter.
After my husband died I couldn't look at another man for ten years, but now that I'm out of jail I can honestly say that it was worth it.
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school. I asked her: "How do you know it was going to school?"
Paused a film last night to make a cup of tea. I've now lost my job at the cinema .…
"Dad, what's an echo?" -> "It's the only thing that answers back to your mother ......"
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad ….. He wanted to be a millionaire, too.
I need to cook some asparagus. Has anyone got any tips?
I once worked on a sheep farm, but I was fired because I fell asleep during the stocktake.
I hate people who use metaphors that are physically impossible: they make my blood boil.
A man cries frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
"Siri!! Why do I always have such bad luck with women?"   ->   "Ummmm!! This is Alexa."
I've got to tell you!!!!! I have the attention of a goldfish. Seriously; it's been watching me all day!!!!!!
There was a plate of cake in the fridge at work, that had a note saying: "Don't eat me".
Now there is an empty plate with a note saying: "Don't tell me what to do."
I asked the insurance company for a quote. They said: “To be or not to be, that is the question.”
I asked my wife if we could play Doctors and Nurses: she left me on a trolley in the corridor for two days.
I sent my photo to join the lonely hearts club. They sent it back saying: "Sorry, but we're not THAT lonely."
If you want to find out who really loves you, lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car, and come back in half an hour to compare the welcome you get.
It’s a fact that a shark will only ever attack you if you are wet.
There was a bloke selling shark-repellent in Manchester city centre.
I said: "There aren't any sharks round here!"
The bloke said: "There you go! It obviously works!"
I hate hotel towels: so thick and fluffy, I can't even close my suitcase.
They should put more wine in a bottle so there's enough for 2 people.
Doctor to patient: "I have to tell you you’re obese."
Patient: "I want a second opinion!"
Doctor: "You’re ugly too."
Yesterday I went to a local flea market and found a really old Elvis record that I have never come across before. The label said ‘Wooden Leg’.
I said to the stall owner: “That’s strange. I thought he sang Wooden Heart”.
The guy running the stall replied:
“Yeah he did but this is the pirate version.”
Trying to break up with optician girlfriend is hard. Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she just moves an inch closer and says: “How about now?”
My husband asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list; now I can't read it.
I married my wife for her looks, but not the one's she's been giving me lately.
Do you ever just wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad that you're alive? I just did that and apparently I'm not allowed on the bus anymore .......
He was killed by a hippo while rowing a boat. He was actually a very good swimmer, but the hippo caught him by rowing really fast.
I went to a life-drawing class to paint a model in the nude, but the teacher made me put my clothes back on.
My wife accused me of cheating on her with a girl from Lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. How could she say such a thing?
I sent my mate a joke in the post, but he didn’t get it.
I got so drunk last night, when I got home I fixed a dartboard to the ceiling. I spent the rest of the night throwing up.
ATTENTION!! A roll of $100 bills with a rubber band around it was found in the Walmart parking lot. If it's yours, please contact me to reclaim your rubber band.
My Dad was crushed building an IKEA wardrobe yesterday; we still don’t know if he’s gonna make it.
When you see 2 deaf people holding hands, maybe it's not romantic: maybe they just want each other to shut up?
I heard the most horrendous wailing outside the other night. I opened the door to find two Man Utd supporters playing football with a cat. I was just about to call the RSPCA, but then the cat went 1- 0 up ....
Surely we can start to call it Zealand, as it’s been around for quite a while now…....
Bought a pair of climbing shoes yesterday, but was disappointed. I set them down at the bottom of the cliff; they didn’t budge.
Wife: "Honey, I'm going to the store, do you want anything?"
Husband: "I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I want to connect with my inner self."
Wife: "Be specific: Johnny Walker or Jack Daniels?"
Dancing is the art of getting your feet out of the way faster than your partner can step on them.
Fred: “I had a massive row with my wife yesterday. She said she thinking of leaving me because I was more interested in watching last night’s football than spending time with her.”
Bill: “So how did it end up?”
Fred: “United 1 - Spurs 2.”
Just answered the door to the police. An officer said: "Sorry Sir, looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."
I said: “I know, but she’s great with the kids and the dog loves her.”
The England football team visited an orphanage today ahead of their match tomorrow.....
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces, full of hopelessness and despair," said little Tommy once they had left.
I've come home today to find my wife has been on Ebay all day long. If she's still on there tomorrow, I'll have to lower her price.
I said to the manager of Tescos: “I want to make a complaint: this vinegar has lumps in it!" and he said: “Sir, those are Pickled Onions."
Remember, there are only 3 types of people in this world: those who can count .... and those who can't!
I tried to use pins on a voodoo doll that looks like my mother-in-law but I just ended up curing her arthritis with acupuncture.
Paddy: "If I only had 24 hours to live, I would make love to anyone that moved. What would you do?" Sean:"Stand VERY still !"
I've just read: "100 things to do before you die." - I was quite surprised to see that: "Shout for help." wasn't in there!
Things are lean this XMAS, so for the kids I'm going to wrap up some batteries with a note saying .... "Toys Not Included."
Every December my husband leaves motorbike magazines lying all around the house, so I've finally bought him what he wants and it's hidden in the garage. Hope he likes his new magazine rack.
We grew up so poor we couldn't afford a turkey, so we used to have an octopus for Christmas dinner. It tasted pretty naff, but at least everyone got a leg.
"I'm going out to scrape the car," said my wife one frosty morning. "What against THIS time?" I replied.
What a load of lies is Alcoholics Anonymous: I went to a meeting last night and I knew every single one of them ....
This morning I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she said: "A divorce."
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
All mushrooms are edible — albeit some only once.
My missus ran at me with a knife last night screaming: "Golf, golf, stupid golf is all you think about you selfish Man."
I was terrified. I mean, you don't expect to meet anybody on the ninth green at 10.30pm, do you?
"Mummy, was I adopted?" "Don't be silly - that would mean I would have CHOSEN you!"
I've just been to the library. I said to the assistant: "Any books on the Titanic?"
She replied: "Yes, loads."
I replied: "Shame, they'll be ruined by now ....."
The key to whether your parents like the gift you bought them this Christmas, depends on if they put a verbal comma in their response or not:
"You really shouldn't have, kids".
I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is - OR what instrument he played.
My mate just said: "I really wish I'd listened to my Mum."
I said: "Why, what did she say?"
He said: "I don't know, I wasn't listening ...."
Just been to see one of those "faith healers." What a load of rubbish: it was so boring even a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out ...
My wife keeps laughing at me and saying how gullible I am. I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've won the Nigerian Lottery.
My husband threatened to slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried: I think he’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf ....
Just been to see one of those "faith healers" - what a load of rubbish; it was so boring even a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out...
I told the builder I wanted to convert 2 rooms into 1. So he knocked down the ceiling.
My wife just drove off from our house with the hazard warning lights flashing. I thought .... well at least she's honest, and SO considerate.
Our football club is looking for a treasurer .....
Friend: "Didn't you hire a new one last month?"
Me: "Yes, that's the one we're looking for."
I have a friend who is married to a postman. He helped deliver their first baby.
Wife: "I've told you a hundred times: you need to do more chores around the house."
Me: "Can't you change the subject?"
Wife: "Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
My grief councillor died last week; but he did such a good job that I don’t even care.
I always give a 100%, which is why I lost my job as a GCSE exam-marker.
There was some serious haggling going on at the garden centre today. Eventually the shop assistant gave up and threw in the trowel.
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet-paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week. It's called 'roll reversal' in the trade ......
My Dad is stressed about a parcel of land he wants to buy. He has a lot on his mind.
One-One was a horse - Two-Two was one, too. One-One won a race - Two-Two won one, too.
I'm sure my best friend must be having an affair with my wife: he's been REALLY miserable lately .....
Watched a programme about how they made the channel tunnel; it was boring from start to end.
I said to my doctor: "I have got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."
He said: "Are you sure?"
I said: "Yes, I'm definite."
I crossed a homing pigeon with a magpie. I've now got a house full of stolen jewellery.
Doctor: "Have you experienced a sudden loss of taste?"
Me: "No I've always dressed this way".
I went house-hunting this morning: shot two bungalows and a semi-detached
Our dog is permanently sad and will only eat a particular exotic fruit. She's a melon collie.
I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my new book: "100 Ways to Cure an Itch". Now looks like I'll have to start from scratch.