More One-Liners - sent to me by Jim Beverley!!

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing  a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread  for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.    

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said: "I would like to come back as a cow."
I said: "You're obviously not f--k--g listening." 

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you." She said: "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied: "It’s me talking to the beer."    

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.     

I always thought Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.

I've just fallen down the stairs carrying a tin of paint. It's OK, I'm not really hurt - just a bit emulsional.